And it feels like everyone is very, very angry with me. But in reality I guess it is only a handful who have expressed it to others, and these other people respect me enough to inform me. I have outranked someone who has been in the unit for 3 years in just this 1 year; now he’s badmouthing me.

At first I was confident that I deserved it, but then it wavered as more and more people said that it was simply handed to me for various less-than-admirable reasons. Because I’m a senior. Because of favoritism; CDR, GySgt, and the CO like me. Because I’m pretty. That one is just ridiculous.

But CDR told me that I earned everything that was awarded to me. And to be honest, I already knew. I just had to hear it. However, he did say something very surprising; I’m the 2nd best cadet in the entire unit. Hands down, it was obvious to him and GySgt. And I am only behind the former CO “by a hair.”

I knew me and Eimi were the only people out of 8 who were actually going head to head for Scholar of the Year, and when she won I knew I was the unspoken runner-up. But I never equated that to being the second best cadet. That would have to mean I am being held in higher prestige than the current CO, XO, CMC, and entire staff. I don’t really know how I feel about that. Mixed feelings I guess.

Anyway, I’ll just congratulate myself now since my family doesn’t care and you can’t trust compliments from people in the unit. It’s like a military version of Mean Girls in there.

So uh, it would seem that I’m getting pretty one-dimensional. At least on this blog. I’ve noticed that all I really talk about with any detail is what’s happening in NJROTC. I’ll try to stop being one-dimensional, which is what I hate most, but not tonight. I guess there’s just always something going on in ROTC.

I started my first day of Armed Drill. The first comp is on December 10th, and we only have 2 practices a week. Wednesday is also a half day, so I’m only going to get 3 practices in before the comp.

The rifle is like fucking 8-9 pounds. Me with my petite body and short arms trying to maneuver that thing all fancily is not pretty. (Good thing we’re not spinning it like Cadet Kelly yet. I dread the day.) I almost hope that they tell me to just sit out for the comp. I mean, I’d only bring embarrassment to the team anyway. They’ve been working at it since school started, I do not want to bring them down.

I didn’t get to do anything during Marksmanship but observe. Quite boring, actually. I need to read up on how to shoot and whatever and then take the test before I get to pull any triggers.

I feel like NJROTC has taken over my life. But that’s okay. I guess something had to.

This retreat was insanely fun. I’m not even disappointed about missing the homecoming running of the ball, parade, tailgate, and football game. And I’m so glad I decided not to go to homecoming, which starts in an hour, even though I could’ve made it. My legs are killing me; I just want to crash.

I was placed in Courage Platoon w/ the some of the coolest dudes ever. We dominated in basketball and wallyball, and then we started drilling. I always kind of liked drilling, but then I was introduced to something new: drilldowns. Drilldowns are so fun. Probably ‘cause my competitive side gets to come out. However, I didn’t win. One of the ups was messing with me while I was standing at attention and he broke my straight face. I was so disappointed, but at the same time it was still really funny.

Everything we did ended up being more fun than anticipated. We did a company run in the dark and did a bunch of military cadences. It is now one of the best experiences of my life.

Lights out was at 10pm, but I didn’t fall asleep till 11:30pm. Mainly because the girls got stuck with the room that was freezing and that contained a light that literally can never be turned off. At midnight, I was woken up for night-watch. I was dreading it but that, too, turned out to be a great experience. Two higher-ups taught me how to play Texas Hold ‘Em and then we played for the rest of the hour.

The one thing I didn’t like about this experience was the shower and the snobby and/or obnoxious people. There are so many rules to follow in ROTC, so other classmates are always trying to one up each other. But the whole competing to see who’s better and smarter thing is not me. I hate the idea of flaunting my intelligence and I hate when anyone does it. But it happens constantly in this class.

Overall, I got 2 really important things out of this. I never did sports, so I never had that group of people who you called your family because you were brought together by a common interest. I never had the very long lines of high-five after high-five after high-five and the giant group hugs. I think there were a couple times I was in a group and we were supposed to be a “big happy family,” but I was never really feeling it. And I ended up thinking the concept was a big fat cliche. But now I understand. These people are honestly my family now. But let there be no misunderstanding, I still hate some of them.

The other thing I got: integritas.