When I get mad enough at Drew that I don’t even want to be touched ‘cause I’m trying to pretend he doesn’t exist and I say, “Don’t TOUCH me.” But he scoots as close as he can next to me without actually touching me. And then he falls asleep there. Can I really stay mad?
Respects me enough to do what I asked, and loves me enough to still want to be by my side when I’m angry. I CAN’T.
Can’t sleep and I really want to make cookies but I don’t want to eat the cookies when I’m done. Kinda like how every time I make a box of brownies I eat one big satisfying square and throw away the rest the next day.
I’m literally never up before 8am but I can’t sleep. I finally began looking for internships and volunteer abroad opportunities last night. Honestly thought I didn’t know why I kept putting it off; I’ve been wanting to commit to this for months. But when I started looking I could almost immediately feel why. After the initial excitement of seeing all the places I could go, I suddenly felt uncomfortable. And then I kind of just stayed there. Eventually I stopped looking because reading the information on each project while I was continuing to just be uncomfortable wasn’t a good way to start out any venture of that kind. When I’m uncomfortable, it’s entirely too easy for me to make excuses. I fucking despise that about myself.
When it came to any project on conserving the coral reefs, sea turtles, whales, and cage diving with sharks I told myself I had just learned how to swim last summer and can barely tread water, so that’s out. Anything with lions, tigers, elephants, bears, and monkeys I told myself I just got over my fear of dogs about 2 years ago. DOGS. I really don’t want to be the one idiot who paid thousands to interact with wild animals and then watch while everyone else does, but I can see that happening. And then there are the projects teaching all kinds of children and even adults basic English with your own lesson plan. Um, yikes. I feel way too under qualified to do that. Lastly, working at orphanages does not appeal to me as I’ve never been good with kids. I don’t baby talk or talk excitedly and I’ve only met one little girl who appreciated that. I dream about my daughter being exactly like her one day or else I’ll be crushed, but that’s off topic.
I’m really discouraged. And I know it’s only from me living in my own head but that doesn’t make it better. I wish I was more than who I am. But I guess that’s why I’m doing this. And that’s how I know in the end I’m going to choose something, anything even though it really doesn’t feel like it right now.
Alice in Wonderland (1951)
Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo. I never know what to say to these things. “It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.” “Please don’t go away again.” Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now. I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again." -
This is so sad and incredibly relevant.
Seeing all the notes comforts me in knowing that I wasn’t the only depressed lover out there. (or the lover of a depressed lover)
I wonder how my parents are doing without me, but not nearly enough to give them a call. I’m not sure I’ll ever care enough to give them a call. Does that make me a bad person? NO. I need to answer that just like that myself because no one else will. Why? Me not having family values is awkward and uncomfortable for you? So you say things like, “You should call them! I’m sure it will turn out well” and you mean for me to understand that you have the best intentions, which I do understand. But I don’t want to call them. And every time someone tells me to, I question my right not to. And every time someone tells me to, and I say something like, “Yeah. Maybe I will.” when I know I definitely won’t, I feel like a bad person. For ignoring everyones advice and because I know I’m the only person who thinks I’m better off without them.
I wish someone would just tell me it’s okay. The only people who say that it’s okay to cut them out of my life treat it as temporary. “Just give it time. God will guide you.” And “When such and such happens, you’re going to have to call them.” Please. When I was 11 I was desperately thinking about how I could skip the part where your dad walks you down the aisle at your wedding, when I was 13 I was thinking about how to get away with not inviting them at all, and if I ever have a kid they’ll just treat them as bad as they treated me because nothing I do is ever good enough. And I bet God understands that! If he doesn’t well fuck. I don’t know.
I found this card at the pharmacy today and it was good.