And it feels like everyone is very, very angry with me. But in reality I guess it is only a handful who have expressed it to others, and these other people respect me enough to inform me. I have outranked someone who has been in the unit for 3 years in just this 1 year; now he’s badmouthing me.

At first I was confident that I deserved it, but then it wavered as more and more people said that it was simply handed to me for various less-than-admirable reasons. Because I’m a senior. Because of favoritism; CDR, GySgt, and the CO like me. Because I’m pretty. That one is just ridiculous.

But CDR told me that I earned everything that was awarded to me. And to be honest, I already knew. I just had to hear it. However, he did say something very surprising; I’m the 2nd best cadet in the entire unit. Hands down, it was obvious to him and GySgt. And I am only behind the former CO “by a hair.”

I knew me and Eimi were the only people out of 8 who were actually going head to head for Scholar of the Year, and when she won I knew I was the unspoken runner-up. But I never equated that to being the second best cadet. That would have to mean I am being held in higher prestige than the current CO, XO, CMC, and entire staff. I don’t really know how I feel about that. Mixed feelings I guess.

Anyway, I’ll just congratulate myself now since my family doesn’t care and you can’t trust compliments from people in the unit. It’s like a military version of Mean Girls in there.

Two years ago I did confirmation at St. Mary Magdalen. A sister came to talk to us, and she was super rad. I don’t usually use the word “rad,” but it fits her so well. Much better than the word “cool” anyway.

I don’t remember her name right now, which is kind of upsetting because I really liked her. Although I’m certain it started with an “M” and was old-fashioned. Something like Meredith.

Anyway, she was an ultra hot star volleyball player in college. She even competed with an Olympian, who, of course, was not an Olympian at the time. I have a feeling she was the epitome of a “California girl,” fully equipped with long blonde locks that swished when she played beach volleyball.

But I wouldn’t know for sure, since she now wears those traditional head scarves that nuns wear. She did, however, show up in a Northface. Just imagine that getup. I feel that tiny detail about her wardrobe is important to include so you can understand just how RAD of a nun she is. She told us about her partying and drinking days, including some not-so-romantic college boyfriend stories.

And I have gone completely off track because I can’t mention this sister without raving about her, but here’s the point. She brought in a popular teen magazine; it must have been a Cosmo or something. Her speech was centered around materialism and false advertising that relies heavily on photoshop.

She then read an excerpt from an interview with Kimora Lee Simmons that went something like:

When I am sad or feel lonely, I go into my closet and put on jewelry and clothes for hours. It makes me feel good about myself.

And she proceeded to say how sad that was. And I understood her point of view and why people would think a woman who only gets joy from beautiful articles of clothing is pitiful, but I got a weird feeling because I’m just the same way. I also open my closet on weekends and days off and just try on all of my clothes and stare at myself. There’s something about pretty clothes that gives me a high.

It’s retail therapy. Today I went shopping and I bought a turquoise necklace made of stone, glass, and a pearl, 5 pairs of tights, a dress with an intricate back, a bronze shirt, black skinny business pants, and I ordered tan skinny business pants because they didn’t have my size at that location.

I went home feeling very happy, yet very sad. I guess I can’t buy clothes without remembering what that nun taught me that day. My intense need to shop is bigger and more spiritual than it seems.

And if I don’t get a handle on it, it’ll eat me alive.

I think based on this feeling, other people would say that everything is falling apart.

And I almost wrote that, but it just seemed wrong.

I realize it is more accurate to say that nothing ever fell together.

It’s not like I got an opportunity and fucked it up or something. I don’t know if that route would have made me feel better. But right now, there are just a bunch of things I never did or never got to do.

And at this age, I feel like things should be happening. Yet nothing is happening to me. I’m just at home, everyday. Throughout all of my high school years, no one understood what I was doing except one or two of my close friends. When people asked me, not in a rude way, “What do you do when you go home everyday?” I’d try to think back to what I do. But I always come up with, “Hm, nothing really.”

And they’d give me this weird look. Because they play sports, or they work, or they hang out with friends, or have activities to do and places to go. The look always said, “That’s weird. I don’t understand that.” and I never understood why I got that look. But now I get it and I want to give myself that same look and ask myself what the fuck I’m doing every day, sitting at home, just wasting away.

Honestly, I believe this household has stunted my growth as a person. Not only mine but my siblings’. I definitely saw it in my brother, who got out of here as fast as he could, and I saw it in my sister.

I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming.

I’m not going to pretend like we’re going to be together for the rest of our lives. We’re not going to last, I can see that now. In the beginning, there’s always hope. With you there was more potential than usual, but in the end there are way too many obstacles, and that’s only in the foreseeable future.

Who knows what else is in the unknown. How many more difficulties will there be that we have yet to discover? The ones we know of are already going to fill the next 8-10 years. The timing could not be any more wrong, and neither could the paths our lives are taking be any further apart.

My path wants to end in Europe while yours will end in a ranch in Montana.

And I’m too young and ambitious to compromise, and you have a dream and ties to that place.

It won’t end now. Why ruin it now? I don’t know when it will happen; I can speculate it’ll be in 4 months, 10 months, or 4 years. But one day everything will undoubtedly begin to unravel. And it’ll be sad.